In the beginning, there were no toilets. People were forced to defecate on sidewalks and near government buildings. Sure, nobody enjoyed taking big long brown dumps in front of each other but there was no alternative.
Until a man named Harry Clump had an epiphany one humid afternoon. He turned to his wife Mary and said: “Hey! What if someone created a place where people could defecate in private!”
“Whadda’ ya’ mean? You can’t just devote one place entirely to the act of defecation! Besides, people are perfectly happy with defecating anywhere they want to.” Mary had just finished taking a pretty big dump on a bush in the local park.
“I’m not so sure about that, Mary. I mean… I believe people are yearning to know what it feels like to be able to defecate behind closed doors.” Harry took out a notebook and a pencil and began sketching something.
“Huh? You mean like pooping in one’s own bedroom? Some people already do that, Harry.” Mary watched Harry draw something circular.
A minute later, Harry finished his sketch and held it up over his head.
“Behold! The Defecation Booth!” He exclaimed.
“The what?” Asked Mary.
“The Defecation Booth! You see, people will enter this cubicle and sit down on a chair-like thing that has a hole in the middle. Then they can defecate all they want in complete privacy! It’s genius I tell ya’! We’re gonna’ be rich, Mary!” Harry jumped up and down with excitement.
“Oh I dunno’, Harry. It sounds pretty dumb to me.” Replied Mary.
Two weeks later, Harry died from explosive diarrhea. Mary eventually sold his idea to a scientist/engineer for $100 and a coupon for one free taco at Pancho’s Tacos.
The scientist/engineer perfected the design ten years later and named it after himself. His name is Dr. John Stall Toilet. Today, he is the fourth richest man in the world. Right behind the guy that invented disposable diapers.
So, there you have it. The origins, more or less, of the toilet.
The rest, as you know, is… defecation.
All words written by Ryan A. Loera
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