I fart lots. I mean I really fart lots! Since the day I was born I’ve always been a farter. My parents tell me I farted in the face of the doctor that delivered me!
It’s got nothing to do with my diet either. I do not eat beans of any kind! I despise beans. Sometimes my friends tell me something like, “Hey, Julio! You should cut down on your bean intake!”
Then I tell ‘em, “Man, I don’t eat beans! I don’t eat beans of any kind!” But they just think I’m lying.
The majority of my diet consists of low sodium soups and oatmeal. And yes I’ve tried tons of over the counter remedies to relieve my gas build up. None of them work!
In high school I learned to control it but every so often I just had to let one rip. Naturally, I was not very popular with girls. My first date was with a sweet girl named Lucy. When we went to the movie theater I really really tried to hold in my farts but I just couldn’t for the duration of a full length romantic comedy. We had to cut our date short when the usher asked us to leave.
Then, in college, I met the love of my life. Her name was Sheryl. She was a petite fun loving redhead. We dated for two years before deciding to marry. However, she came from a very traditional family and told me that her father would be greatly offended if I did not ask his permission to marry his only daughter.
So, we visited her family that year for Thanksgiving. After we had all eaten lots of turkey and stuffing I turned towards her father and attempted to ask him… but that’s when I felt that familiar feeling rise up in me. The gas began to build up and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it in.
I then unleashed the loudest and stinkiest fart I had ever farted!
Her father was immediately disgusted and he even vomited a little on his slice of pumpkin pie. Sheryl was dumbfounded and didn’t speak one word to me from then on. We broke up a few days later.
What else can I say? I’m a farter through and through. Farting is a part of me and I’m a part of it.
All words written by Ryan A. Loera